I HATE stupid people and stupid companies!!!

I use a "tele-health" service for my therapy. It's just easier given my transportation issues. (For those of you who aren't familiar with tele-health, it's where you have a video session with a Dr. or therapist over the internet. Usually each company will have it's own software and programs.) My insurance uses "LiveHealth."

I was supposed to have an appointment tonight. Note that I say "supposed to." When I tried to log on I kept getting an error message. Here's where it got stupid. The error message read, "We're Sorry. Your Request Cannot Be Completed At This Time. Please use your browser's BACK button to continue your session." Whichever college educated idiot wrote this is a real intellectual. *Smell the Sarcasm?* How exactly do you propose that I continue a session that you are unable to connect me to?

Anyway, I tried to connect about 4 times via my laptop. *Side Note: My wifi varies from 2.4 - 5 in bandwidth so there wasn't a data issue on my side.* After the fourth fail I attempted to use my iPhone. I did this because their customer service once told me that their program was designed more to be used via cell phone than computer. Ok...? Anyway, I tried using my cell phone. Nope. More messages, only this time it was to tell me that I was signing in early. Seriously!?

LiveHealth send me a text message and an email about 2 hours before my scheduled appointment time with a quicklink to their video program. In each message ever sent is has requested that I, "Please sign in to your appointment 10 - 15 minutes prior to my appointment time." This is so I have time to confirm my billing information, insurance provider, and to write in what this specific appointment is supposed to cover. Sure. My appointment time was for 7:30 PM CST. I first began attempting to log on at 7:23 PM CST, 7 minutes before my scheduled time! By the time I attempted my iPhone, it was 7:28 PM CST. I ask you, how is attempting to log in 2 minutes prior to the appointment time TOO EARLY?

So now irritated by not being able to sign in, and disgusted at the programmer's inane use of the English language and their ability to connect the appropriate message to the correct error/action I begin to write a rather pointed and verbose email to customer service. I figured let them know that their software is junk and their programmers idiots would help me to get over the irritation I was feeling. Get it of my chest as it were. *And I must say, I found the email to be a gem of colorful, but not vulgar, verbiage.*

But wait faithful reader, the plot thickens! As I was finishing up my email to customer service I received a notice that I had an email from LiveHealth. I'm thinking, "ok, maybe they are letting me know that their system is down and apologizing for the inconvenience." I couldn't have been farther from the truth. The email was to inform me that I had missed my session and that since I hadn't cancelled it 24 hours in advance that I was going to be charged a non-cancellation fee. My head exploded!

It was war now! I added a PS to my email and cut and pasted their entire email in. I then proceeded to respond to it in all bold type about how exactly their entire product and technical staff was an inferior product. I then told them directly that if I received a bill for missing the session that I would not pay it and if the harassed me or put it out for collections that I would retain legal council. Oh, and I would also contact my insurance company that contracts through them and let them know exactly the quality of service LiveHealth provides - with FULL documentation. *I love printscreen.*

I can't wait to read their response. *I'll let you know about it in an edit.*

So I have to ask, did I over react? *By the way, this is the third time that I have missed an appointment or had one terminate mid session because of their "Issues." I should have said that sooner. Sorry* Please let me know your opinion in the comments below.





 

When You Just Want to Kill the Dog

       Oh My Fucking God!!!!!

       I really want to rip the head off of that fucking, psychotic dog. 

       Ok, a little backstory: 

       I live with my friend B. and his aging father S. S. has a toy poodle mix named Molly. When S. was younger he would bait her, trying to get her to bark and bark. If she asked to go to the bathroom he would encourage her to "tell" him over and over again until she learned to bark to get his attention and to keep barking until he put the leash on her collar. If someone knocked on the door he would encourage her to bark and bark until he answered the door and then to bark at the person who came in until they showed her attention. If she heard one of the family vehicles pull into the driveway he would encourage her to "tell" him someone was home until they walked in the house and up the stairs. And those are just a few examples.

       Another thing he has done is, since he's been retired, he has spent every single moment of his life while at home constantly in her presence and most of that with her in his lap or beside him, including in the bed. So if he leaves her, even to step outside and check the mail she pitches a fit. She cries and whines constantly until he comes back in, be it 5 minutes or 5 hours. She'll even have a panic attack if he is on the other side of a door from her, i.e. the bathroom.

       So to the current date:

       S. has Dementia. Part of his declining issues is his loss of short term memory and a lot of his long term memory as well. He also has a decided lack of patience with anything. He has forgotten that he created this monster and her constant barking makes him angry at her. Which also makes him want to ignore her. So she starts asking to go out and he tells her to be quiet and lay down and she ignores him and keeps barking and barking until he finally gives in and takes her out. For 15 seconds. 

       I don't know if he forgets why he is outside, or if she has already done her business, or what but he'll no sooner shut the door then he's  opening it right back up. And comes upstairs and sits down again. Which then means that 2 minutes later she is back to barking her ass off and he is arguing with her that she just went out. This will go on for 20-30 minutes sometimes. I feel bad for the dog but it still drives me nuts. Her barks are shrill and ear splitting.

       The worst is when he leaves. Dementia or not S. refuses to accept that he shouldn't be driving and B. has given up an arguing with him. B. has actually said, "Fine! Go off and kill yourself or someone else but that's on you not me since you won't listen to me or your Dr." Anyway, S. will leave and not take Molly or put her in her crate so for the next however long, until I finally can't take it anymore, she's having a very high pitched, vocal anxiety attack because "Daddy's gone and never coming home." Oh, and did I mention that in her neurosis/psychosis, she will try to maul you if you get your hand within 2 inches of her or S.? This makes locking the bars on her kennel  a skill of speed and dexterity.

       She has now also developed the habit of losing her shit, in an angry way, anytime S. stands up to do anything. Go to the bathroom, the kitchen, bed.... That is what prompted this little post. It's after 11 PM, B. is in bed with the flu, and S. decided to turn off the TV and go to bed. As soon as his recliner retracted she bolts out of his lap and begins her tirade loud enough to wake the neighbors let alone B. And if that weren't enough S. has to join the chorus yelling at her to "Shut the Hell UP!" All of which leads to B.'s dog Charlie, who is in my room, beginning to bark and my dog Freya seriously considering joining in. I managed to get Charlie quieted down before Freya added her alto. 

       But not Molly. It took the entire time for her to follow S. down the length of the house to his bedroom before she shut up. And his bedroom door is directly across from B.'s. I just wanted to go out into the hall and punt her into a wall to shut her up. 

       The final straw in this fiasco of a relationship between S. and Molly is that even if he is upset with her God Forbid that anyone else try to discipline her. I can't even tell her to get out of the trash can without him telling me to "let her be - she ain't hurting nothing." Then he will soften his voice and coddle her and give her some sort of treat because she is a "sweet little girl." She'll even bite him sometimes when he's trying to get her face out of his plate (he often times eats on the couch). If B. tries to punish her for it or even yell at her S. is right up there defending her. "She didn't mean it, she was only wanting a bite."

       Maybe I should re-title this post When You Just Want to Kill the Dog Owner. But even if I did that she would still be neurotic and I'd want to kill her too. I hope she dies before he does because if it happens the other way around she will never stop crying and whining in her abandonment.

Getting My Head Out of My Ass or When to Stop Being a "Survivor"

       Getting my head out of my ass... Sounds like it would be easy, just pull it out. But when it's jammed in there with a bunch of old baggage, psychoactive medications, and physical ailments it isn't that simple.

       Just as you think you have a grip on an ear, something shifts or a jar full of emotional slime breaks and your hand slips off. Then, after a few tries you give up. Until, after a few months or years, you get some more encouragement and you try again. Only to have more things break open, shift, or find new stuff packed around it.

       It seems like a Sisyphean task dreamed up by a doubly sick sadist. And I am NOT a masochist!

       I'm with a new therapist, N., right now. Tele-Health. It takes some getting used to and my sound software or his isn't the greatest. But I digress. I like working with N. He is very good at Cognitive/Behavioral therapy. He gets that I need homework to help me get things done and to help me gain insight that I wouldn't get in a 45-50 minute therapy session. He also doesn't accept ANY excuses even ones that disguise themselves as "reasons."

       I honestly think that with his help I have made perhaps my biggest breakthrough since dealing with the triggers of my PTSD. Let me give a little bit of background to help flesh it out.

       I was abused as a child. Sexually, emotionally, physically... you get the idea. So I was a "Victim."
Then I entered therapy and worked through some issues and changed my personal perspective to being a "Survivor!" And that was that. I was no longer a victim so I didn't have to work on that part of my identity. Right....

       Now I have come to realize that just being a "survivor" isn't the end of the process. As a "survivor" my identity is still tied to the abuse. It gave me a reason (read excuse) to behave the way I did and to react to things the way I did. I "couldn't help it," I've "survived" being abused and it shaped the way I think, feel, and act. Didn't it?

       But that mentality has been holding me back. Thinking that way has just let me sit in idle thinking that this is all I'll ever be. Someone who's social interactions, behaviors, and thinking processes are based on behaviors learned when I was being abused. And that too is a cop out. I don't have to be a "survivor" anymore either. I can just be a person.

       Sure, there was a point where I needed to be a survivor. It was a way for  me to understand why I felt the way I did and such. But not getting the information that there was something beyond "surviving" has left me in that mode, surviving. Which isn't living.

       Please don't think that I'm trying to equate myself with the people who are living in active war zones or extreme poverty or other ways that literally put their lives in moment to moment or day to day risk. I'm not saying that. But being stuck in the psychiatric "survivor" mentality I wasn't growing or improving. I was stagnating. And, as Michael Ketterer said on AGT, "When you are surviving you can't dream."

       (I'm not sure if that was his original saying or if he was quoting someone else.)

       I have achieved little in my time as a "survivor". I haven't been able to hold a job for more that 8-10 months at a time. (1 year and 7 months is my record.) I was able to get my Associates Degree but I have done nothing with it. I have a "things I want to do as a career" list 5 pages long. My bucket list is even longer. But I have had no motivation because my mind has been clogged with "reasons" why I can't do anything. Me being a "survivor" is the true reason. It has given me the excuse to be a slug, unmotivated, and plain out lazy.

       So now I'm done "surviving." I want to be a "Real Live Boy!" and that means that I can't just "survive" anymore. I have to own everything about myself. My thinking. My reasoning. My reactions. My motivation or lack there-of. My desires. My dreams. ME!

       And OMG it looks scary.

       But I'm going to suck it up and dig in. Small things at first. One or two small changes. And when those are accomplished a few more. And a few more. Set some goals of all lengths. And then just do them. Sink or swim there's no half measures here.

       Don't wish me luck. I'm going to start making my own luck from now on. Wish me "Bon Voyage."

       I'll send you a postcard....